You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
