you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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