Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
