4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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