I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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