Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
