Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
