i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I need to align my fucking chakras
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