why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
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