Dude my mom stole all your condoms
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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