don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
