Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
