i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
