just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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