I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
