I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
