nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
