I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
