I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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