dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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