i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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