3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
we have officially lost it.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
