maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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