Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
