booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
