Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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