Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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