We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
