I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
