just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
