after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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