Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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