Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
