dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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