Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just want nice things and good sex
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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