while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
