the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
