I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
