yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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