I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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