New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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