You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
