When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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