youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
