dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Every concussion has its silver lining
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
