I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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