ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
