i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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