Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
