the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
