don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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